Warning. Whiny post ahead.

I am wiped out.

Why did I think things would calm down when school started?  All of my friends, as we randomly run into each other at Costco or Target since we can’t seem to ever get together due to vacation schedules, camps and who knows what, say the same thing: “Hey, summer has been so busy, let’s get together after school starts and we have more free time.”  HA HA F’in HA.

School started almost 4 weeks ago and I still have not had time to rest.  Well, that is technically not true.  I went back to bed after I sent J off of the bus the first day of school and slept like the dead for 3 hours.  Since then, it has been a revolving schedule of Costco, Cub Scouts, Walgreens, Fall Festival Planning, trying to get out to walk the dog, volunteering at Breast Friends and school activities, laundry, ninja classes and attempting to keep my house in order.  Add in Friday night lights at home football games at Tigard High School and also a few Oregon Duck’s games down in Eugene thrown in for good measure.  Oh and also a 34 hour trip to Seattle for a 5K with a visit to the Space Needle and the Komen Race for the Cure back in Portland the following day with a 5 am wake-up time.

Really, I am wiped out.  Even if I was not trying to get back some sense of “normal” post cancer, I would be wiped out.  Add all of this on top of aching joints like I am 90 years old, trouble sleeping (I wake up every night with hot flashes, not just at 3 am anymore, but now I have added a 1 am wake-up to my schedule) and overall fatigue.  Ugh.  I am surprised that the bags under my eyes are not bigger.

Did I mention that I have a cold?  Probably a sinus infection, but I am doubling down on Sudafed and Dayquil so I can attempt to function. I am leaving a trail of Kleenexes everywhere and am trying not to cough on anyone while washing my hands about 100 times a day.  I don’t have time to be sick or to rest.  It is hard to balance the things I need (sleep and being off my feet) with the commitments that I have made (scouts, volunteering) and the things I selfishly want to do (read books, watch This is Us or Grey’s, have mimosa brunches with my girlfriends and a night away with my husband).  The things I want to do seem to be taking a back seat the other stuff.  The cold will go away, but I will need to find a way to balance out everything that I have to do and still find time for myself.  If anyone has any pointers, I am would love to hear them!

At the end of summer, I had an appointment with my therapist and I made a promise to myself that I would set aside one day a week to write and another to do nothing.  For the past two weeks, I have managed to get some writing in, my bio and outline for and the then first draft of my speech for the survivor luncheon, but I have so many things to get out of my head for INeverLikedPink that I could write for days. Plus I want to start to really work on my book ideas.  This is my first post since July and it is now the end of September.  I feel like I have let myself down.  And a day for nothing?  That has yet to be scheduled.  I have yoga on my calendar for tomorrow morning, but the last thing I want to do is downward facing dog when my head is full of snot. And since I took a break while writing this, now yoga is off the list and I will doing things for the Fall Festival at school.

It sounds like I am complaining about all of the things that I do, and I am not.  I truly enjoy all of my volunteer activities and really believe in them.  Some days though, when I go from the Jog-a-thon to running errands to therapy to more errands, this time with the kid, to pulling together leftovers for dinner before a scout meeting all the while trying to not spread my germs, I wonder, where do I get off of this merry-go-round?  And I don’t even have a paying job!!  I look at many of my working mom friends who are such bad asses that they somehow work full time, manage their kids activities, work out, have a married life and don’t walk around with crazy eyes or a glass of wine in their hands at all times.  I am in awe of these women.

But for now, I need to remember that I chose my merry-go-round and I am blessed to be on it.  Being a two time cancer survivor has taught me so many things, but one of the most important is to not take any day for granted, no matter what I am doing.  We all do the best that we can, and it’s okay to be wiped out.


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