Fear

I have not written on my blog is over a year.  Why? I can think of many reasons, but the one that pops to mind currently is “fear.” If I keep writing on a consistent basis and work toward writing my book, then it would go out into the world, people would read it and then have opinions on my story, which is terrifying to me.  As much as I love being the center of attention, for some reason, this is different.  I blame it on lack on time, how tired I am all of the time and the pain that took over my body in 2019, but if I really look deep, it is the fear of the future.

I think that fear is encompassing many of us right now with what is going on around us.  COVID-19 has sparked a mild panic and became an internet sensation (and created an immense need for toilet paper apparently); the 2020 presidential election has all of is in fear, no matter if you are red or blue, or a nice shade of purple and there are so many more things we all worry about every day.  I personally am I giant ball of anxiety most of the time; the rest of the time I am asleep.

I literally could sit here all day and be afraid.   Not focusing on the life going on around me,   wondering if COVID-19 is going to affect my life or someone that I personally know.  I will not look past any headlines about the coronavirus; my husband and best friend tell me what I need to know. If I research it, I will spiral and decide that we are never leaving the house again and be thankful for Amazon Prime.  

Our family is headed to Disneyland in a few weeks.  It is literally one of my favorite places in the world.  It might actually be a close second to Italy (but we definitely can’t go there at the moment)!  I have been super excited about this trip for months.  The kids have not been in years, J does not remember it as we went for his 3rd birthday, and I could go every 6 months and be thrilled every time.  Yet, should we be going?  I am afraid of what could happen.

A friend and I were headed down to Los Angeles last Thursday for a Young Survivor’s Coalition conference.  She and I decided to not go; the last thing we would want is to bring back a virus to the immunocompromised women we work with.  Two days later, the entire conference was canceled by the YSC to protect the health of attendees.  It was the right call, but man, I was really looking forward to a fun and informative 4 days away.  My oncology group was also hosting a talk on March 17 about updates in breast cancer.  This was also just cancelled to protect patients health.  Now I sit here and wonder.  How afraid should we be?

The adult in my says: “Stay home.  Go later in the year when it was less crowded.  Space Mountain will always be there.”  The kid in me says: “WOOHOO, maybe a lot of other people WILL stay home and the lines will be shorter!”  I have made plans to meet up with a friend while we are there and I had texted her about it.  Her response when I said that I was waffling about cancelling and that I had been reading the news from Disney: “Um – what f*#$ing news from dland?  Cuz I ain’t cancelling either!!”  I guess that settles it.  

And then I fear that I am not being a good wife or parent because the pain from medication is back.  My hands, feet and all of the other joints either hurt, feel like they are on fire or just don’t work.  I do everything I can with my family, but I know it affects my mood when I can’t do something or it just hurts when I get off the couch.  Not asking for sympathy and I am forever grateful that I am here to feel the pain, but chronic pain stinks.  

So what I am saying is that right now, fear is in the air on many levels.  But I am going to not let it rule my life.  I am going to do my best to write more, because it is so relaxing for me, however chaotic my first post back may be.  I am going to Disneyland (unless they close it!) and I am going to do the best I can to live my life and enjoy every minute of it.  A friend just said to me that 2020 is the year of doing things that make her happy. I am on board with that and throwing fear out the window.

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