And 2 steps back

So, I started my new job at J’s school this week. And then I quit my job at J’s school this week. I cried a lot this week. While I only worked 2 hours a day, that’s right, 2 hours a day, I was on my feet, walking the entire time. At the end of my shift, my body was like F YOU! My legs hurt so bad and were swollen, if I knelt down to pick something up, I could barely get back up. My hands were so swollen that I could not cross my fingers. I was nauseous and sick to my stomach. I took an hour long epsom salt bath that night which kind of helped. This was just on day 1. I switched shoes for day 2 and the results were the same. I knew that I needed to quit, but I had to talk to the principal and I felt so bad, that I was letting the school down. Day 3 was J’s jog-a-thon (he did great, 7 laps!) and this is something that I would normally volunteer for, but I knew that I could not do that and also work the shift. So I watched the jog-a-thon and then rested in my car until I had to work. The principal came in and asked how I was liking it and I had to tell her that I could not do it any longer. After the 2 hours were up, I went to her office and explained what was going on. Mentally I enjoyed the job, getting to know the kids and helping out and having something to do every day. Physically, I just could not be on my feet walking without a great deal of pain. She hugged me and I just cried. I so badly wanted to do this, be a part of J’s school, having more of a purpose every day and even to make a little, tiny bit of money. God damn cancer. I have never in my life worked for 3 days and quit a job. 6 pain filled hours. As a part of the job, I was required to undergo a background check for $59 which would be taken out of my first paycheck. So I made about $84; after taxes I may owe the school district money. I am pissed. And sad. I feel useless. I want to be healed. I want to feel “normal” and not be in pain all of the time. Most days it is manageable. Some days, I just lie on the couch or go back to bed. On Friday, the day after my last day, I slept for 3 solid hours after J went to school. I was exhausted from the week.

Now I generally walk slowly, Nate often helps me off of the couch or out of his car. My arm hurts. I can’t get comfortable at night to sleep. I am so over this.
I have been on the 2nd medication for 5 weeks now. They ask for a few month trial before moving on. My next appointment with my oncologist is Nov 15. Unless something drastically changes, I am going to ask to switch to the 3rd medication I can take (Aromasin) and hope that the side effects are better. These medications are optional, but with my history, I don’t feel that it is an option to not try to prevent future cancer. But damn, I hate this so much.
This week, at least one day, I have promised myself that I will make it to the gym and try the water aerobics class. I am also singing up for a class at my oncologists on fatigue and insomnia. There is also a weekend retreat at the coast for survivors in November which I am going to try to sign up for. It really helps to be around others who have experienced this and can help with information and answer questions. Plus it is a weekend away from day to day stuff. I am also going to see if I can volunteer in J’s class and also at a breast cancer support organization. I need to do something and be around people. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of being on the couch and reading or catching up on TV, but I need something more. It is so hard to just be and heal.

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