It has been a very up and down week for me. My sister went home after giving us two weeks of her very busy life to help out, my Dad and Step-mom also came for a few days which was great. Food, flowers, gifts and messages of support keep arriving. I really felt like I was improving each day and even drove J to school on Monday. Then that afternoon, I put on a coat to walk to the bus stop for J and pulled a muscle under my left arm, which just hurt enough to bring tears to my eyes and really hurt all day Tuesday as well. Nate was traveling and I was an emotional hot mess. I could not even maneuver my arms to change my tank top and tears of frustration flowed.
I know my body is healing; today at the plastic surgeon, all of the final bandages, random stitches and steri-tape over the incisions were removed. I was tender, but nothing truly hurt. It was my first expander fill and I was very nervous, despite taking a Dilaudid and a Valium, I had a white knuckle grip on the chair. They actually had to lay the chair back because I was nauseous and felt like I was going to pass out and nothing had even started yet. During the fill, which literally takes less than 2 minutes each, the left side was not a big deal, I did not even feel a needle poke, just pressure. On the right side, there was a definite needle prick and pain along with the pressure, but nothing compared to what I have been experiencing post surgery. Now I know the drill and will go back weekly, approximately 8 more times until we decide on the right size. God, that sounds so weird. Choosing the size of my boobs. I cried when the fills were done, just from the emotion of the process and how challenging it has been.
I have had surgeries before, but this one is by far the hardest recovery. I really can’t do a damn thing in my house besides make my own food when no one is home and kind of get dressed. It is ridiculous how much you need your chest and armpits to do most everything and when there are muscles trying to knit themselves together and heal, all I can do is wait. For a very OCD person whose job it is to take care of my husband, my kids, the dog, the house, the laundry, etc., just basically making my house look the way I want it to look, I am losing my damn mind.
The fill process today was actually much easier than I expected which was encouraging, but as the pain meds wore off, the throbbing started and every movement hurt. Even now, I am just lying on the couch and they HURT. It is hard to explain, but feels like my incision sites are going to explode. I actually asked the dr about this since they removed the tape and she promised me that everything would stay intact. I truly love my plastic surgeon and her PAs, they are compassionate and comforting and I am sure have seen many people a lot worse off than me. But this is me and I need them to reassure me that it’s all going to be good. Thankfully Nate is really good at this as well. One day at a time. Still a work in progress. 